how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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