Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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