I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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