I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Someone shit on the floor
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
