my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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