Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
