Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
