You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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