Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
