Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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