just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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