I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
