i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
