The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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