I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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