my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The best revenge is premature balding
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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