I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
