people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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