theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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