then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
