mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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