I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
