Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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