fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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