pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
