Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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