Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
