I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
