yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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