It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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