Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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