o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
