I heard we made out
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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