i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
