opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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