New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
