Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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