Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
