we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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