How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish I only lived at night.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
