textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
