I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
