is your mom at the bar?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize