I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just gargled with NyQuil
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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