You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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