I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
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He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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