You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Lo siento on account of my penis...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
