There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
