eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
