dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
