Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she peed on how many people?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i now understand why vodka
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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