I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
