Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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