Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb