Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
