I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
porn star boner night. come get it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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