I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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