i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I would fuck him just for his dog
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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