im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
