1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
