I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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