If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
